Joke of the day

I have no idea ...

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".

Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

ROFL ... nice scene!

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck."

ROFL! .... Im in shop to buy some food and still laughing

rofl, Raiden deserves a medal for her last jokes, somehow they made me laugh a lot xD

Ok, Very funny guys. who has made me Retired? ¬¬

guess who ... I will send you tomorrow another PM.

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Thats great. Where do you get this stuff from?

Glad you enjoy it

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?" replied Seamus

ROFL ......

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?... The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. "See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Ame...ricans and vice-versa."" It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.
"The genie said, "Let me see the map again..."

ROFL! Where is only smile I seek ... ...

Damn Raiden, where do you get all these hilarious stories? If you did come up with them yourself, you seriously should consider doing live stand-up comedy!

Regardless, thanks for the laughs, I appreciate/need it!

Rawk on little ma'am and keep the funnies rollin'...

@Orion - life is funny if you know how to look at it

But I promise not to tell the blond jokes that already happened to me in my life ...

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

lol...

STRESS MANAGEMENT: This really does work. Picture yourself lying on a rock that hangs out over a clear stream; both your hands dangling in the cool water. No one knows this place; you are in seclusion. You hear the waterfall sounds of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There, see!! It really does work. You're smiling already! lol

@Raiden: it looks almost as real situation

One practical anti-stress guide:
You will need A4 paper.
On this paper draw a big circle mark.
Attach this on solid wall (brick is optimal) at eye level.
Hit with your head circle mark hard and repeat this until your stress go away

I need to try that next time

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack

Oh those are the best! And the fact they are all absolutly true is brilliant. That person should get marks for those. The Examiner is not giving enough detail.

.... poor Examiner ... LOL . Especially last one is top!