Joke of the day

BWUAHAHAHAHAH!!! That hits home here for me Raiden,(Louisiana born and raised, still here as well hah) thanks, I gotta forward this one on to the co-workers!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Don't know whether LOL or cry, if it weren't soooooo true... *sigh* God help this nation of mine...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I shouldn't laugh at dumb blonde jokes as it's actually pretty mean...

But I can't help it, I laugh anyways!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a problem sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the sheets before the next flight.

Of course, the ground crew and engineers have a sense of humour too.

So, here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

read on....

P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution logged by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

A group of biologists are traveling in a truck to conduct some research in a hilly region, when the driver loses control of the vehicle. The truck overturns and runs down the hills, crashing at the bottom & killing all the biologists.

All of them arrive in Heaven. They are all asked a question, "If you are in your casket and you could hear your friends and family mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy who is a good botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the best botanists of all time, and left an eternal contribution to the world of botany."

The second guy who is an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."

The third guy, who is a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "

Some biker guys went on a camping weekend. No one wanted to tent with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in Bob's tent and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night"

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!?" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older rider, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob sat up and watched me all night!"

ROFL I've heard that one before, but it's still hilarious! Thanks Raiden!

A man and his wife gets woken up at 3am by hard knock on the door.
The man gets up and opens the front door where a drunk guy is standing in the rain. The drunk guy says that he needs help with a push.
“NO WAY!” Says the man. “It’s 3 in the morning.” And then slams the door shut. “Who was that?” asks his wife. “Just a drunk guy who’s looking for someone to help with a push.” He answers.
“Did you help him?” She asks.
“No…” “Well you have a short memory.” She says, “Do you remember 3 months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should go help this guy and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
The man then realises that his wife is probably right and then gets dressed to go and help the guy. He goes out in the pouring rain and shouts, “Are you still there?!”
“Yes!” the drunk guy shouts back. “Do you still need someone to give you a push?” The man asks.
“Yes please!” he hears from the dark. “Where are you?” Asks the man.
“Here on the swing!”

Ok now I'm starting to think that only Ria is making the Jokes here

Why Parents Drink ...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

ROFL!!! .. thx Ria ...

Haha, an oldie but a goodie! Soooo true about cats and dogs though LOL...

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, in Cape Town . He went to college and law school.
After his studies he decided to go back to Mitchell's Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.

There he opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk and decided to make a big impression. As the man came to the door, Gatiep pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat.
Gatiep said into the phone: "No, absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than a million. "Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week. "I'll be handling the Primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, give the State Prosecutor my regards and.......

The visitor sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions. Finally, Gatiep put down the telephone and said: "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man said: "I'm from Telkom. I've come to connect your phone.......

XDD Ha! Ria's Jokes overflood this section :DD

Well - feel free to post your own ... I dare you ....

Not that I have a problem with that I just wanted to mention it